— McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Monologue: Terrence Malick at the Delicatessen.
"There is a warmth that runs from eternity and into the present, and now that warmth is here, but not in me. It’s in my pastrami sandwich. My pastrami sandwich contains all the known heat in the universe. The roof of my mouth is on fire. I am cold and yet I am hot. Is this the inferno? Is this the journey I must take? Inside of myself, through my mouth, around my scorched palate?"
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Nate Silver Offers Up a Statistical Analysis of Your Failing Relationship.
In an exit poll from Monday evening, exactly one half of the duo in attendance said they had an unfavorable opinion of the chosen restaurant—Arby’s—wondering if it was some sort of retribution, or if this is sadly what it’s come to.
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Something is Wrong With My iPad: I Still Hate My Life.
I hope you Apple Geniuses are up to snuff because I’m pretty sure my iPad’s busted. No matter how much I use it to check email, surf the web, or tag photos on Facebook, I’m still gnawed at by a horrifying emptiness that no amount of fiddling with your magical gadget can fill.
"On our wedding day 7.2 years ago, I gave my ex-wife a gold ring that weighed 3.66 grams. If the ring now weighs 3.49 grams, and she spent eight days on average every year of our marriage having tantric sex with her yoga instructor while I was working overtime, coaching our twin daughters’ soccer team, and generally bending over backwards to create a nurturing home for my family, how many atoms of gold were smeared across her yoga mat over the course of our marriage?"
—
I can’t wait to be old, married and bitter.
How To: Tell Someone You're Secretly In Love With Them | xoJane
Compose a song for him in which you list all of his good qualities. But to avoid being taken TOO SERIOUSLY, intersperse old timey compliments and infantilized Vaudeville nonsense slang, like, “You’re the skin on my cream-based soup,” or, “You’re the wiggle jiggle in my chicken aspic.”
GAWD THE NUMBER OF TIMES THAT I HAVE DONE THIS AND HAD IT WORK.
There are currently no bills before the House that would require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.
The Taliban is not producing cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”
Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.
Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.
Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.
Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”
President Barack Obama does not plan to take the “forwarding” option away from email.
Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.
Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.
Turtles do not have “tiny TVs and sofa beds” inside their shells.
Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.
“National Treasure” is a not a documentary even though it feels very real.
Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”
Mormons breathe air.
Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t believe it.”
Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.
“Psych” is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.
It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.
Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.
Congress has not declared a “War on Jean Shorts.”
It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.
Babies tend to like hugs.
It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.
John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”
There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”
You do not need a spaceship to get to China.
The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.
Yellow and blue make green, not “blellow.”
The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.
Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.
It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.
Baseball is a land sport.
It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.
(Source: splitsider.com)
A Guide to Living Like the 1% (On a 99% Budget) - Lifestyle - GOOD
Become desensitized to internal guilt and external human suffering by cultivating a laserlike focus on raising awareness for a single animal welfare charity.
Have a frenemy read you the nutrition facts off a package of food. Now you have a nutritionist.
Pinky swear with a white person. Look at each other’s butts. Pinky swear again.
Practice your “remorseful” face in a mirror until you only experience a facsimile of human empathy.
Do you have a first name? Perfect! It’s long for “Trip.”
At D.C. Journalists Dinner, Perry Plays the Comedian — Rick Perry | The Texas Tribune
Man, these are actually funny…..
“What a relief to be on a stage with just one podium.”
“I like Mitt Romney as much as any good-looking man can like another good-looking man and not break Texas law.”
Perry said his Texas A&M degree in animal husbandry is “what Rick Santorum thinks gay marriage leads to.”
“I endorsed him because he said he would name me commander of Moon Base Alpha.”
If he is actually this self-aware (maybe someone else wrote these for him), then it actually makes me sick how different a public persona is from a private one.
"Well, actually you just drank nine watery, orange-juiceconcentrate screwdrivers and paid a couple hundred bucks for the privilege. And guess what, genius: for less than a Jackson you could buy so much grain alcohol that, if you drank it all at once, you would literally die."
"Churchill’s advisors once came to him and said, “We’re going to stop all funding for the arts so we can put that into the war effort.” And Churchill said, “Then what are we fighting for?” Sends a chill down my spine. Incredible."
— Ricky Gervais Interview – Ricky Gervais on the Golden Globes - Esquire
"
President Romney looked at the German Chancellor carefully, up and down. “I’d say you’d go about one-forty, give or take five pounds,” he said. “Am I in the ballpark?”
Chancellor Merkel, hoping she might have misunderstood the President, said, “I believe the future of the euro will dominate our discussions in the coming days.”
“The city that has more bridges than any other city in the world is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania,” President Romney said. “Congratulations.”
“Congratulations to Pittsburgh?” Chancellor Merkel asked.
President Romney thought for a moment. “No,” he said. “Just congratulations.”
"— Calvin Trillin: “President Romney Meets Other World Leaders” : The New Yorker
"
+: ) Ash Wednesday
- +; ) Flirty Ash Wednesday
-
F Bored snake
[>: ( Fire bad
[I: I Ice neither good nor bad; me ambivalent
,:” I Attacked by cat
:%I Lowering glasses to see if you’re serious
;%) Lowering glasses to see if you’re feeling what I’m feeling
:»q Accidentally spraying self in eye with mace
O0o No one in my family has any response to what you just said
<:# Hitler birthday party
<;# Flirty Hitler birthday party
X;<) Flirty triceratops
X,<) Flirty triceratops cyclops
P Soup ladle
;P Flirty soup ladle
}: I Wolverine
{: I Frida Kahlo
@: I Combover
:o) Bear missing ears
:^ u Abject horror
- ;^ u Flirty abject horror
-
i Cold sore
; i Flirty cold sore
"— McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: List: Important New Emoticons.
How to Join the One Percent? - Essay - NYTimes.com
I pondered this for a moment, then wondered aloud: “Does this mean I have to upgrade my friends?”
He answered somberly, “I think you have to upgrade your friends.”
What about my parents? I asked.
“It would be very helpful to upgrade your parents,” he agreed.
That comment made a lot of sense. My parents, after all, didn’t show the basic courtesy to the next generation of becoming obscenely wealthy.
Simon Rich: “Center of the Universe” : The New Yorker
(via Instapaper)
And she said unto Him, “I work a full-time job and I still make time for you.”
And He said unto her, “Yeah, but your job’s different.”
And lo: He knew immediately that He had made a terrible mistake.
